Develop Internal Boundaries
Do you ever find yourself overreacting or shutting down when in conflict? Do you take things too personally? Do you harbor resentment? Do you stuff your own perspective? Or feel entitled to vomit your unfiltered thoughts and feelings at your partner?
If so, you are probably needing Internal Boundaries. You are also probably human. 🙂
Internal boundaries are practices that Protect and Contain your inner world. When we are able to take responsibility for Protecting and Containing ourselves, it allows us to remain more present and relational - even in conflict. Therapist Terrance Real explains that Internal Boundaries work like this …
Imagine that there are two spheres around your heart. The outer sphere is your Protective boundary. The inner sphere is your Containing boundary.
When you receive feedback, a criticism, a tone of voice, body language, a personal attack, etc., you are likely going to feel your body react with what Terrance Real calls the Whoosh. This is your body telling you to get ready to Fight, Flee, or Fix. That is your que to take a deep breath and practice a Protective boundary by asking yourself - Is anything true for me?
If something is true, then fine, you allow that thing to affect your heart. You feel it and try to respond lovingly to the other person. But if something is not true, then you imagine those things hitting your Protective boundary like bugs on a windshield. This protection allows you to notice that this moment is likely about the other person. Since you are protecting your heart and less defensive, you have more capacity to practice curiosity with the other person and try to help them regulate.
The Containing boundary keeps you from harming others by asking an empathy-based question - How is this going to affect the other person? If your response is not going to be loving or helpful, you keep your trap shut. Even if what someone says is harmful, it does not give you the right to retaliate. Venting your thoughts and feelings rarely engenders a positive response in your partner or colleague. Speak up and be firm if you need to, but do it with love.
In summary, you can practice Internal Boundaries by asking the following questions when you get triggered and feel your body Whoosh:
Is anything true for me? - Protection
How will this affect the other? - Containing
Most relational problems come from living out of our default relational responses to stressors. Internal Boundaries is a tool that can help reshape your defaults. Give it a go!
Here’s to being more present and centered in our relationships.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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