Intimacy = Authenticity + Vulnerability
I think modern society is currently experiencing a very costly, but largely unaddressed epidemic, which is male loneliness. This isn’t to say that women don’t experience loneliness too, but women, for better or worse, have largely been coached to be relational, whereas men have been taught (or at least have adapted) to the idea that they need to handle things on their own.
I’m not the first one to call BS on the pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, lone ranger, myth of manliness. Many people are now seeing behind the veil. However, even though the problem is being named, one glaring factor continues to stand out to me.
Many men simply don’t have friends.
In my practice, I often hear men say they don’t have a single person with whom they can be truly open and honest. That is a massive problem. Lack of connection leads to stress, depression, anxiety, pessimism, numbing out, addiction, affairs, etc. And then the consequences of this lack of connection unfortunately gets transferred to partners and kids.
Men need just as much intimacy in their lives as women do, but for many guys intimacy = sex with their partner. Sex can be and hopefully is an intimate experience, but you can perform sexual acts and not be truly intimate at all.
I was recently leading a men’s group through a book on sexual addiction, and the author suggested the following equation:
Intimacy = Authenticity + Vulnerability
Authenticity means being at home and comfortable with all parts of you, even the parts you might be tempted to hide away or be ashamed of. Many men I work with have learned to survive and “be the man” by stuffing the more tender, fearful, creative, and carefree parts of themselves, which has consequences. The more disconnected we are from ourselves the more disconnected we will be from others.
Vulnerability to me means having the capacity to risk personal honesty because you have confidence that you can protect yourself with good boundaries. Capacity to risk grows as your confidence grows. And your confidence grows as you practice mindfulness skills. The root of the word vulnerable means wound. When we are vulnerable, we are allowing ourselves and others to access our wounds - not recklessly, but with skillful discernment.
But gentlemen, if you’re reading this, there is something you must come to terms with … It is not your partner’s responsibility to meet your intimacy needs. It’s your job to take care of the parts of you that feel lonely and disconnected.
It’s your partner’s job to be as healthy as they can be and be a good teammate. They can help you, just as you can help them, but they cannot be responsible for meeting your relational needs. You must be responsible for meeting your needs and that includes learning how to cultivate friendships.
So here are 3 tips for making friends:
The key to having friends is being a good one yourself. This is an ancient idea that people have meditated on for thousands of years. Show the kind of love and attention you want to receive, and it will likely come back to you. It is the essence of the “golden rule” - do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Be proactive in reaching out. Many years ago I was having a little pity party for myself. I was feeling alone and lamenting the fact that people never seemed to reach out to me, as if I was somehow cursed, other, and unwanted. None of which was true. People were just living their lives. Rather than soak in my victim mentality, I decided to try an experiment and texted several people asking to set up a coffee hang soon. I quickly had multiple enthusiastic responses and not enough space in my schedule. This was a good lesson for me. Others are often open and ready, but am I willing to initiate?
Only share your vulnerable and authentic self with those who have earned the right to hear it. This is a classic Brene Brown maxim. This is permission to go slow, practice good boundaries, and not take yourself too seriously. Try a little bit of vulnerability and see how the other person handles it. If they prove trustworthy, then you might choose to risk a little more. Using this tactic, you’ll sift through those who will be mere acquaintances vs. a few who you might connect with at a soul level.
Here’s to cultivating friendships and not passing on a legacy of loneliness to the next generation. We can do this!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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