Learn From John Adams
As we prepare to celebrate Independence Day, I felt it would be nice to slow down and reflect on one of the founding fathers.
John Adams was an accomplished lawyer from Massachusetts, an overseas diplomat during the American Revolution, the first Vice President, and the second President of the United States - and oddly he has no statue or monument in Washington D.C.
Why haven’t we chosen to remember him?
I wonder if that has to do with his annoying tendency of speaking his mind, even if it made people feel uncomfortable. A few years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to this Adams quote:
“Always stand on principle … even if you stand alone.”
John Adams did his fair share of standing alone. He represented British soldiers who were involved in the Boston Massacre, which could have been seen as career suicide. He did this because he felt that everyone was worthy of good legal representation - it was a guiding principle. And he staked his very reputation on it.
His sense of moral integrity was his north star. I don’t know about you, but this is a challenge to me. It also begs two questions: 1) What are my principles? 2) Am I willing to stand for them, even if it’s unpopular?
As we consider what principles are worth standing for, we must also remember that we cannot control others, but we can influence them.
This is important because how we treat someone says just as much as the content we share. And this might have been Adams’ weakness. He could be very direct, cutting and confrontational, which did not endear him to many.
It is not enough to simply cause a ruckus even if you think you’re right. If we want systemic change between people - at home or in public spaces - we must learn how to express ourselves with both firmness and love. This is a skill that couples therapist, Terrance Real, calls Loving Power.
Loving Power is the ability to communicate that you are for the other person, even in the midst of conflict. It chooses to see ourselves as connected to others. We are not better or worse than anyone. We are on the same level and we offer to help each other give us what we are wanting and needing.
Loving Power is generous when we don’t have to be. It’s not weak or submissive. It’s smart. It is understanding that relationships are like an ecosystem. When we are harsh, shutdown, passive-aggressive or cold, it’s like pissing in our own drinking water. It will make us sick.
But Loving Power is not a magic potion. People still might not respond to us reasonably. So, we need to release the outcome and be willing to stick to our boundaries in a loving way.
So, this Independence Day I invite you to learn from John Adams’ strength and weakness by:
Standing up for your principles
Speaking up with love and firmness
Let’s do our part to not make enemies of each other. Here’s to forming more perfect unions, both public and private.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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