Own Your Mistakes
When I was growing up my dad had a bit of a road rage issue. It was like he was the judge, jury, and executioner of all driving injustice (at least in his own mind). Whenever he’d fly off the handle, I’d be left feeling embarrassed, scared, and frustrated.
I’d ask myself, Why does he do this? Why can’t he just stop? Trust in my dad took a hit. If he was this unpredictable, then where else might he fly off the handle? I hated this behavior. So, I made a promise to myself that I’d never act that way. And I was pretty successful.
Until I did the same thing - with my own kids in the car. Woof.
I felt like I had been the patron saint of road etiquette compared to my dad, especially when my kids were with me. And then one day I snapped. A person sped up behind us and slammed on their brakes and then they threw a world-class tantrum. Next they dangerously sped past us headed for a crosswalk that had a red light where people were crossing. Instinctively, I rolled down the window and yelled at the person to slow down. I just happened to roll up next to that car in traffic and the driver lit into me, so I yelled back. It all happened in less than a minute. Afterwards I felt like I was in a fog. My whole body was tight. What just happened? The normal joyful banter of my 5 and 9 year olds was gone. It was replaced by dead silence.
That silence was some tough accountability. It was the same silence I experienced after my dad would lose it on someone. He’d never talk about it, never ask if I was OK, never own his part and apologize. So, as a kid I would close up, try to avoid his wrath, and not make a sound. Of course, my grandfather probably did the same thing around my dad, so who knows how long this cycle has gone on.
Now here I was repeating this behavior and sitting in that same silence. Bleh. I felt various parts swirl in me - justification, anger, shame, and my true self telling me to slow down and breathe.
I felt embarrassed immediately, but I also knew this is where I had an opportunity to do something different.
Whenever we make a mistake we can keep rolling with life’s defaults or we can own it and take responsibility to change that behavior. An old mentor of mine used to say, “Our kids don’t need a perfect example, they need a living example.”
So, instead of ignoring my outburst and closing myself off, I apologized to my girls and asked if they were OK. I was hoping for a “Sure, no problem dad!” But nope, they were a bit shook that daddy had just randomly yelled at a stranger. And they had questions.
So I took the time to address their questions and apologize for my inappropriate response. Then when I got home, I told my wife and asked for a hug. She just held me, god bless her. Even Though I’m sure she was at least a little irritated, she also knew my background, so she didn’t shame me or berate me. She just held on to me. And that helped me come back to my center.
Remember from last week’s email how if we practice BRAVING that it builds trust (boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault, integrity, non-judgement, and generosity).
The next time you make a mistake, just own it. Take a deep breath. Apologize. Do what you need to do to make it right. And then reach out to a safe person and allow them to comfort you.
This isn’t always easy. It can be uncomfortable work. It demands that we are open and honest about parts of us that we might rather hide away. But it’s worth it. If we turn toward our shortcomings and own them, we can shift a negative legacy and craft a more positive one that can carry on for generations.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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