Point Out the Positives
Perspective has a great influence on our lived experience. See things as glass-half-empty? You’re likely going to feel more disappointment and carry yourself like a victim. Do you frequently note the negative things that your friends and family do or don’t do? You’re likely going to see more of it AND they’re likely to do more of it.
Here is a key principle to remember: You tend to get more of what you focus on.
You get more of it because 1) you are looking for it and 2) it establishes a pattern between you and others which then gets repeated.
It is reasonable to have wants, hopes, and concerns and address them clearly and lovingly. But if we default to only pointing out what we don’t like then it will push people away and make us miserable. Choose those battles wisely. Instead, try pointing out the positives. You don’t have to gush over every little thing. Simply acknowledge what you appreciate in others.
Kids clear their dinner plates without being told? Share your appreciation.
Wife or Husband try to show up in a new loving way? Share your appreciation.
Coworker who gets on your nerves does something helpful? Share your appreciation.
Pointing out the positives will start to change your relational defaults. 1) It will help you pay more attention to the good vs the bad, and you will likely feel more grateful and content, 2) it will also create a positive pattern between you and others which will get repeated.
Just think about these two comments …
You never take out the trash! It’s always overflowing and I’m the one stuck with cleaning up.
I noticed you emptied the trash. Thank you. It means a lot when you take care of it.
How would you respond to each one? The first - defensive, angry, shut down? The second - appreciative, playful, encouraged? You can influence those around you to respond more positively the more you acknowledge the positives in their behavior. You don’t have to avoid conflict, just make sure you’re adding plenty of appreciation in the mix too. Give it a go!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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