Be Aware of Your Losing Relational Strategies

We all want our intimate relationships to thrive. However, our defaults can get in the way of interacting with our spouse or partner in a clear and gentle way. Relationship expert Terrance Real has named Five Losing Relational Strategies that most commonly trip us up. Growing in awareness of your default relational styles will help you and your partner have a better chance of remaining a team - even in conflict.

Here are the Five Losing Strategies:

Needing To Be Right

You can notice that you have the need to be right if you have a difficult time letting go of specific details during a conflict. This style leads to endless arguments about whose point is more “accurate.” It’s a waste of time. As Terrance Real says, “It’s possible to be factually right and relationally wrong.” You will benefit from learning to understand and respond to your spouse’s heart. Drop the need to be right.

Controlling Your Partner

This style doesn’t work because nobody likes being controlled. Terrance Real says it will always lead to payback, because the person getting controlled gets coiled up like a spring until they snap. You can control your partner in subtle or overt ways. A red flag that you might have some controlling tendencies is the thinking If only my partner would do XYZ THEN I would be happy. You will benefit from backing off and communicating more appreciation.

Unbridled Self-Expression

A common strategy that probably gets less attention than it should is Unbridled Self-Expression. It says I have a right to express my thoughts and feelings however I see fit! Sure, you can. But it won’t get you what you want. Vomiting your thoughts and feelings on your partner won’t likely help them feel close to you. You will benefit from slowing down and asking yourself How might this affect my partner? Share honestly, but with love and savvy.

Retaliation

You might employ Retaliation if you carry around a lot of resentment and attempt to make your partner feel how you feel. Terrance Real notes that this is called wounding from the victim position. It’s a backwards bid for empathy. Essentially, it says You hurt me so I get to hurt you. At a minimum this is unhelpful, at worst it’s just as abusive as the hurt you experienced. You will benefit from learning to stand up for yourself with love and clear requests.

Withdrawal

If you abruptly leave or shut down interactions with your partner because you feel 1) a sense of hopelessness, or 2) like your partner is obviously ridiculous, then you might be using a Withdrawal strategy. Withdrawal can come off as self-protective and/or condescending. It is good to protect yourself, but this style leaves your partner feeling abandoned. You will benefit from practicing what Terrance Real calls Internal Boundaries. These inner boundaries help you protect and contain yourself so that you can remain connected in conflict.

Be patient with yourself as you consider these Losing Relational Styles, but take them seriously. Keeping them in check will help transform your intimate relationships. You can do this!

Happy to be in your corner,

Tom

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