Respond to Your Partner’s Bid
If you want a happy relationship, you need to learn how to turn toward your partner and respond to their “bids.” A bid is any attempt we make to get our partner’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as subtle as making an offhand comment like “I think we’re out of peanut butter” or as overt as “I really need your help making a plan for the holidays.” The goal is to turn toward each other’s bids more often than not.
Researcher John Gottman conducted a 6-year follow up study of couples he worked with and those who went on having happy marriages responded to each other's bids 86% of the time. In contrast, couples who got divorced responded to each other’s bids on average 33% of the time. Gottman notes that when couples turn toward each other they store up an abundance of goodwill like a savings account, which they can draw on when they experience difficulties.
Turning toward a bid starts with reminding yourself to not take your mundane, daily interactions for granted. Responding to bids consistently will do more for your love life than flowers (but still get the flowers). It can be pretty simple: an acknowledgment, a curiosity, joining in humor, a loving touch, taking an action to help in some way. Here are examples of turning toward and turning away from a bid:
Turn toward:
Wife: “I would love to go to Italy someday!”
Husband: “That sounds fun. What would you like to do there”?
This is a win. The husband responded positively and joined the context of his wife’s bid by adding some curiosity. He just made a deposit in their relational bank account.
Turn away:
Wife: “I would love to go to Italy someday!”
Husband: “Yeah right, we’ll never afford that on my salary.”
This is a loss. With one sentence the husband dismissed his wife’s bid, took a victim stance and turned the focus on himself. He just made a withdrawal. Too many of these and they’ll go bankrupt.
You can improve your relationship today by 1) not taking your mundane interactions for granted, and 2) turning toward your partner’s bids and responding to them positively. You don’t need to be perfect, but you do need to be intentional. Wishing you a happy Valentine's Day!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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