Unclear Expectations Will Stress You Out
A major cause of relational distress in your life might be unclear expectations. I know it has been for me. I would find myself taking people to court in my mind, because I felt frustrated about something that didn’t go as expected. This created a lot of suffering. But it was mostly self-imposed. With the help of pastor Pete Schizarro’s book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, I’ve learned that healthy expectations have four key elements that I can actually practice. I use them frequently and it saves me a lot of trouble.
The 4 Key Elements of Healthy Expectations:
It was known ahead of time
It was reasonable given the context
It was spoken clearly
It was agreed to by the other party
If you find yourself griping about what another person did or didn’t do, first walk yourself through these concepts. If you are missing any of the four you do NOT have a healthy expectation. Your inner turmoil likely has more to do with you than the other person. Yikes. Hard to accept, but true.
Let’s unpack each of the four parts of healthy expectations.
Knowing your desire ahead of time means that reacting out of frustration to something unexpected helps nobody. If you know you want something, own it and lovingly let your people know too.
Having an expectation be reasonable given the context means that you are not entitled to get what you want just because you want it. It is loving to consider the context of others involved.
Speaking your expectations clearly is obvious, but often missed. Other people cannot read your mind. It is immature to not speak up for your hopes and desires.
Making sure that you have agreement from the other party is sort of like establishing informed consent - it ensures clarity and accountability.
When you practice all four parts, you form a healthy expectation. Congrats! Afterwards, if the expectation is not met by the other person then you can let yourself feel frustrated. But only for a bit. Don’t stew. Move quickly to address it in a clear and loving way.
Here’s to reducing our stress by practicing healthy expectations. You can do it!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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