The Art of Skillful Sharing
Today, I want to share a vital relationship tip with you:
You can express yourself OR you can work on your relationship, but you can’t do both at the same time.
Let that sink in. You have two options 1) Venting your thoughts and feelings however you please, or 2) sharing your thoughts and feelings in a skillful way. One prioritizes you, and the other prioritizes your relationship.
Given your particular situation, you may feel entitled to speak your mind however you darn well want to. And this is true, you certainly can. But approaching your relationship that way won’t get you more of what you want. If you want a deeper, closer, more mutual marriage, partnership, or friendship, you will need to learn how to share skillfully. That means learning how to honor and cherish the person across from you while also standing up for yourself. It’s not just about you. It’s about the both of you.
First, let's talk about behavior that I think falls in the “expressing yourself” category. If you want to be relational, then these behaviors are out of bounds. You hurt yourself and the other person when you do these things. Some examples include:
Telling the other person what they think or feel
Projecting your negative perspective as 100% truth
Criticism
Steamrolling with long-winded venting
Yelling and screaming
Name-calling
Harshness
Sarcasm
Passive-aggressiveness
Character assassination
Pouty body language
Threats
If you’ve ever resorted to any of the above, be gentle with yourself, but also take it very seriously. Commit to putting a cork in it when you feel tempted to resort to these behaviors.
Now, when it comes to sharing skillfully, let’s discuss some key principles and then a practical framework.
The first principle in sharing skillfully is that you remember love. It means that the instant that you feel worked up, you pause, take a deep breath and remember who you are relating to and what you want out of this relationship. Most of us get worked up and then have this negative, monstrous version of the other person in our mind. Of course, we’d want to fight with that person. But that awful person only exists in our minds. We have to catch this.
The second principle in sharing skillfully is taking responsibility for yourself. That means if you cannot remember love and calm yourself sufficiently to speak lovingly, then you give yourself a time-out. You commit to a zero-harshness policy and take a break if you need it.
Once you are calm enough to try speaking with love and truth, then you are ready to use the skill below called the feedback wheel. I have no idea why it’s called a wheel - I think therapists just like making “wheels” out of things.
Here’s how the feedback wheel works. First, this is a specific, short intervention. It is meant to be focused on ONE PERSON. It is not meant to be used as a back and forth conversation. You process a specific event and then you’re done. There is a speaker role and a listener role. The job of the speaker is to share in a way that the other person can understand and respond. The job of the listener is to help the person across from them feel understood. Here’s how it goes:
Speaker
Ask for a conversation. Say something like. “Hey, I got myself worked up about something. Can I process with you?” If you get a Yes, proceed. If you get a No or a Not Yet, then be gracious and wait until a different time.
Share the data. “What I noticed was … (behavior, circumstance, facts)” This is not where you dump all of your frustration. For example, say something like “Yesterday when you came home, you walked past me without saying anything.” Just the facts.
Share the story you made up about it. “The story I made up in my head was …” For example “That you were mad at me about something. And that our whole night was about to be ruined.” This is where you can share the crazy things in your head, but keep it brief.
Share your feelings. “How I feel about that story is …” For example: sad, hurt, angry, guilty, ashamed, afraid. Share actual feelings, not more content.
Make a reasonable ask. “What I would like in the future is …” For example, “Would you try to acknowledge me somehow when you come home?”
Release the outcome. You can’t control your partner, so at this point, you surrender the outcome. If you’ve done your part, great job. Release the rest.
Listener
Clarify what you understand. For example, “So, what I hear you saying is that …” and then do your best to summarize what you heard the other person say. If they think you’re missing something, don’t get defensive, just roll with it and say. “Oh Ok, the part you really want me to understand is XYZ. Do I get it?” If your partner says Yes, move on.
Validate anything you can. Offer empathy, especially if this kind of thing has happened before or if it is part of your own character flaws. For example, “I can see how you’d feel that way, because I have a history of walling myself off and being oblivious to other people.”
Give whatever you can. This is where you respond directly to the other person’s ask. You don’t have to give them everything they’re asking for, but give absolutely everything that you can give. Be generous. For example, “I know that this is a sensitive issue for you, so I’m going to work really hard on doing something to check in with you when I get home.”
Wrap it up. Don’t go into your own complaint or try to defend yourself. Thank the other person for initiating the conversation. Move on. Most of our arguments have off-ramps all over the place, but we don’t take them. If you have something sensitive that you want to address you can start up a new conversation later.
This is not a one-size-fits-all practice, but if you have beef with someone, this can help you streamline your repair attempt. Whether you want to improve your communication at home or work, you can take responsibility for speaking and listening skillfully. If you have a spouse or partner, it might be helpful to review together and agree to get on the same page and try to use it as a tool. Regardless, you can do your part to approach difficult conversations with a bit more savvy.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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