Check Your Story
Consider the following situation…
It’s a hot summer day and you are looking forward to having a refreshing popsicle. You know there is only one left, and your partner agreed that you could have it, but when you open up the freezer door it is gone! Gasp!
What is the automatic story you tell yourself about this situation? That your partner did it on purpose? That he or she is selfish? That you never get to have good things? That this sort of thing ALWAYS happens to you?
And what feelings do you notice? Anger, disappointment, powerlessness, unloved, bitterness, etc.?
Your story and your feelings all seem like evidence of objective reality right? But there might be other perspectives to consider. I used to just ride the wave of whatever default story and feelings popped up until my counseling supervisor shared this with me:
This progression shows that what we think and feel is part of a larger default system of how our inner world interprets data from our everyday experience. Oftentimes our intense thoughts and feelings seem absolutely true. However, it can help to slow down and check our stories, because they are rarely accurate. Our default perceptions impact our emotions and behavior.
Let’s walk through each part of the process:
Facts: These are just data points - what happened. It could be a comment, a tone of voice, body language, a circumstance, etc. Anything we pick up with our 5 senses.
Filter: This is your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) looking for threats 4 times a second. It will be hyper-sensitive to anything that reminds it of threats from the past - physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.
Story: This is the default narrative that your ANS spits out so that you can interact with the world around you. We all interact with the world through our imagination. And stories are how we make sense of reality.
Emotions: These are feelings we sense in our body and they tell us to take action. The word emotion means “to move out, move away, remove, stir up, irritate.” Emotions signal what kind of action we should take.
Behavior: Are the actions we take to care for or resolve the emotion that we are feeling in our bodies.
What’s important to understand is that unless you are quite practiced at meditation and mindfulness, the Fact-Filter-Story-Emotion-Behavior process happens very quickly. For most of us, we experience an event and are immediately feeling emotions XYZ and can become reactive.
Here’s where a tool comes in.
When you’re feeling intense emotions or feel yourself about to react in an unhelpful way, slow down and do the following:
Take a deep breath
Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself
Ask yourself to consider the facts - consider what actually happened
Get more information
Let’s go back to the infamous popsicle incident from above…
Just as you were about to throw a world-class fit, your partner opens the door from the garage carrying a load of groceries. They say, “Oh shoot! I was hoping to beat you home. I took that last popsicle so I could remember what kind you like best. I got you a whole new box from the store!”
How does this information change your story? That your partner is thoughtful? That you might have overreacted? That you’re grateful to be with someone so generous?
And what are you feeling now? Loved, silly, appreciated, thankful?
What changed? A few seconds earlier you were certain that your partner was an inconsiderate, evil monster. The facts didn’t change. YOUR PERCEPTION OF REALITY CHANGED. You formed a new story.
This is incredibly important to cultivating mental wellbeing - don’t be too quick to take things at face value. When you notice yourself having a big reaction to something, slow down, breathe and get more information. You have an opportunity to check your default negative stories and replace them with positive ones. This practice will then affect what you feel and how you respond.
Here’s to checking our default stories and choosing to live by more positive ones.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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