Love Requires Deep Understanding
Here is an excerpt worth pondering from Thich Nhat Hahn on how love involves deep understanding:
“Sometimes we may believe that we are acting from love, but if our action is not based in deep understanding, it will bring suffering. You want to make someone happy, and you believe very strongly that you are doing something out of love. But your action may make the other person suffer very much. So even though you believe that you are acting from love, you cause your son or daughter, your partner or spouse, your friend or coworker to suffer deeply because you do not have enough understanding of that person. That is why you need the eye of understanding, of wisdom, to be an effective instrument of compassion.
If you don’t understand the suffering, the difficulty, the deep aspiration of another person, it’s not possible for you to love them. So, it’s very important for you to check with them and ask for help. A father should be able to ask his child: “Do I understand you well enough? Do I make you suffer because of my lack of understanding?” A mother should be able to ask her child, “Do you think I understand you? Please tell me so that I can love you properly.” That is the language of love. And if you are sincere, your daughter or son will tell you about their suffering. And when you have understood their suffering, you will stop doing things that make him or her suffer, things that you believed you did only for their happiness and well-being. Deep understanding is the substance of which love is made.”
That last line itself is worth mulling over: “Deep understanding is the substance of which love is made.”
Think through the people who are most important to you. Have you ever asked them if they feel like you truly understand them?
If you’re not sure, it might be worth asking for feedback on how you can better understand and love those around you. You may be thinking that you’re often acting in love, but if those actions are not tied to deep understanding, we can unintentionally cause suffering in others.
Here’s to growing in our deep understanding of one another.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
(Excerpt from: The Pocket Thich Nhat Hanh, 2017)
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