Control Is An Illusion
Most people deny that they are “controlling,” because they equate being controlling with an overbearing, intense, authoritarian, Stalin-like presentation and the mass population doesn’t generally act that way.
However, I think many of us have more controlling tendencies than we’d like to admit.
Control is especially dangerous in our intimate relationships, because when we try to control our partners and kiddos (overtly or subtly), they will respond by getting wound up with resentment. They become like a spring that can only hold so much tension until it pops. And when people pop, there can be a significant rupture.
If you find yourself nitpicking your loved ones and threatening some kind of punishment or removal of your affection if they don’t give you what you want (overtly or subtly), that is a dead giveaway that you probably have some controlling tendencies.
Control is a losing relational strategy, because nobody likes being controlled. When we control our partners and/or kiddos it can unintentionally communicate things like:
I don't trust you
I have the power here
I'm more important than you are
You will never be good enough
Your value is in what you can give
You may have good reason to not trust your partner or your kids, but controlling them won’t rebuild that trust. You need to back off and learn a different way of communicating what you’re wanting and needing. I’ve certainly been a nitpicker in my own way. But now when I notice my inner tendency to control, nitpick, complain, or pout I walk myself through a 3-point checklist.
Do I want to make a loving ask of my partner or kids?
Do I want to wait and see what happens?
Do I want to just take care of it myself?
These are your 3 functional options: Ask, Wait, or Act. That’s it. Take a breath and check your anxiety, resentment, or anger. If you are not choosing one of these 3 options, you are probably getting off course.
This 3-point checklist helps you stay in your relational lane. The faster you move toward Asking, Waiting, or Acting, the less time and energy you’ll spend in an unhelpful headspace.
Here’s to ditching our controlling defaults!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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