Don’t take the bait!
Have you ever allowed yourself to get sucked into a conversation where you end up not acting like your best self? After the adrenaline wears off, you might find yourself thinking Why in the world did I respond that way? That wasn’t worth it.
What happened is that you probably got hooked.
“Hooks” are what I call triggering comments made by other people in person or via texts, social posts, videos, or emails that get dangled in front of you. These comments could be passive-aggressive, inflammatory, ignorant, or totally unintentional. Regardless, when these comments land in your field of vision, you become like a fish looking for a worm to chomp. Your heart and mind start to race. You scramble to find just the right appeasement, rebuttal, or sarcastic quip. The problem is that it doesn’t matter how you address the “hook” - nice, angry, aggressive, playful, whatever - once you bite, you’re hooked, and it’s hard to get unhooked without a fight.
If you struggle with getting hooked by other people’s comments, here’s a tip:
When you notice a hook, don’t bite! Let it be.
I’m not suggesting that you never engage in healthy conflict or stand up for yourself. I’m just inviting you to own your responses to hooks. If you can’t stay centered while responding to another person, that is on you, and you need to reign it in. Learning to be aware of “hooks” also empowers you to stay in control of your peace of mind.
When you have the gut feeling that no matter how you respond to the comment, the conversation will likely go sideways and in a hurry, that is a good sign that you are dealing with a hook. It’s best not to respond at all. Just let it lie.
Now, not all hooks are intentional. Sometimes, maybe often, another person will make a comment mindlessly, which then triggers us, and we respond with something that has some bite to it. Then our response triggers the other person, who pulls back in response to our response, and before we know it, we are trapped in an asinine tug of war. We’re hooked.
You can’t control what hooks you will encounter day to day, but you can control how you respond to them. So, if you feel you don’t have the mental or emotional bandwidth to deal with a hook or simply don’t want the hassle, then when a hook lands in front of you, don’t take the bait. Allow your nervous system to be a hook detector. If you feel flushed, angry, agitated, rushed, or anxious, that is a good sign that you need to slow down and ask yourself if you’ve just encountered a hook. Let the comment lie. Look at it. See it for what it is. But understand that if you engage it, you know that it is very likely that you might get taken for a ride.
Protect your peace of mind, and keep an eye out for those hooks!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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