Effective Apologies
I want to pass along a short video from therapist Terrance Real called How to Make a Genuine Apology. You can access the video here.
I love Terry’s stuff because it is so practical. He shares that neither he nor his wife learned how to off-ramp a fight. They would just keep at each other, which doesn’t work very well. They needed a better way to help each other out, which involved learning a skill called Repair.
(Check out the video, it will be worth your time.)
In an argument, most individuals will default to one of three relational styles: fight, flee, or fix.
Fighters might raise their voice, talk down to their partner, use harsh tones, and perhaps say hurtful, and at the worst, even abusive things. Whatever it takes to win. The fleeing person may flee in body or mind. If they flee in body, they will simply walk away, avoid, or wiggle their way out of conflict however possible. If they flee in mind, their body might be present with their partner, but they are emotionally and mentally shut down. Whatever it takes to avoid pain. The fixer might tend to be overly solution-oriented and they might overfunction for their partner. Typically the fixer struggles to attune to their partner’s heart. The fact that there is distress in the relationship produces discomfort, so they try to fix things to make themselves feel better. Whatever it takes to get back on track.
An effective apology will go a long way in helping your partner feel loved. It will also minimize the amount of time you spend fighting, fleeing, or fixing. If I had to summarize, I think effective apologies come down to 3 main themes:
Humility
Ownership
Responsiveness
Nothing diffuses an argument like humility. When we take off the proverbial boxing gloves and realize there is no such thing as “winning” a relational fight, we can adopt a more open and loving posture. We must get out of the You vs Me mentality and start thinking about WE. Your relationship is like a water well. If you “win” an argument but your partner is left feeling defeated, humiliated, or mistreated, you have poisoned your well, and now you both have to drink that water. Ownership is about taking responsibility for what is yours. When you quickly take ownership of your mistakes, it keeps the conversation productive. When rebuttals, defensiveness, or turning the tables (oh yeah, what about you!) enter a conflict, things can go sideways fast. Finally, without responsiveness, a conflict is like a sentence without punctuation, it just hangs there awkwardly. When we commit to show up in a new way (and actually do it), we build trust with our partner. Our partners don’t merely want lip service, they want follow-through.
Here’s to growing in making effective apologies.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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