Pass Along the Healing
In personal healing work, there is necessarily a big focus on an individual's experience. We explore their past, their present, and who they want to be in the future. This self-focus is absolutely necessary. For many, the self-exploration is long overdue. However, for our healing to reach full maturity we must also make room for serving others. We needed others in our moments of weakness, especially others with wisdom and more grounded nervous systems to show us how to heal and change. If we keep all of the progress to ourselves, our healing is incomplete. We must pass it on.
This idea is embodied in AA’s 12th step:
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
You can exchange “alcoholics” for “other hurting people” to make it more applicable to your own life. True healing isn’t about checking a box, it’s about developing an entirely new way of being. Freedom comes by imposing limits, not by abandoning them. Often in my work with men healing from addiction or unwanted compulsive behaviors, they begin with a mindset that all the hard work they are about to sign up for is a real drag, only to eventually realize that the new principles and practices they are adopting help them feel more happy, whole, balanced, compassionate and confident. Who doesn't want more of these things?
A common question is: How will I know when I’m healthy enough to give back to others?
The answer: You’re ready to serve others right now.
There’s no “arriving” to a point of being qualified to help others. If you’ve known suffering, if you’ve learned some hard lessons, if you’ve been loved or helped in some way, you can pass all of that on to others, even as you yourself are still healing. When you serve others you actually discover new parts of yourself. A quote from Gandhi sums this idea up well:
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
You don’t have to have all your junk figured out to love others well (but you do need to be taking responsibility for your junk). In fact, acknowledging our own imperfections makes it easier for others to receive the love we are offering, because it’s not coming from a place of power but from a place of compassion and mutual understanding.
Don’t sell yourself short. You have real gold to offer. Take all the time you need to focus on yourself, but don’t leave it at that. Make room for others and pass along the healing.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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