Let Go Of Needing To Be Right
Have you ever found yourself in a back and forth argument with your partner about which of your perspectives is the more “accurate” one? Many of us have had this experience. It is understandable, but not very effective. Therapist Terry Real calls this losing relational strategy - Needing To Be Right.
When you are stuck in the need to be right you forget the reality that it is possible to be factually right and relationally wrong. In his trainings, Terry is fond of saying:
“The answer to who’s right and who’s wrong in a marriage is: Who cares?”
Sure, it’s possible that your perspective is more factually accurate, but are you missing your spouse’s heart? Even if you somehow out-lawyer your partner and “win” the argument, your ego might be satisfied, but your partner is likely suffering. And if that’s the case, you’re both losing.
When we relentlessly argue our perspective, it does not help our partner feel cherished, nor does it bring us any closer to a functional solution. Instead of getting lost in the game of who is more right and who is more wrong, we need to move into a different mindset that Terry Real calls Ecological Relationships.
This mindset sees our intimate relationships as interconnected and thriving when we are operating as a loving team - a healthy ecosystem. This is different from an Individualistic and Patriarchal culture that sees relationships in terms of Power/Submission, Right/Wrong, Good/Bad, Winner/Loser.
The key skill to learn is Loving Power. You might remember this from the July 4th Transformation Tips email. 🙂
Loving Power is the ability to lovingly stand up for yourself while also helping your partner give you what you’re wanting.
Example:
Partner A (Loving Power): “Honey, I know you love me. Right or wrong, when you leave your laundry on the floor, I get anxious. Would you please be mindful of this and keep your things picked up?
Partner B: “Ok, I’ll be mindful of that.”
Partner A (Loving Power): “Great, thank you. What do you need from me that will help you follow through and keep your laundry picked up?”
Partner B: “Well, if you see that things are getting out of hand, if you could gently remind me that this is important to you rather than reading me the riot act, that would be very helpful.”
Partner A (Loving Power): “You got it. I’ll work on that.”
If you default to an Individualistic/Patriarchal view of relationships, after reading the above example, you might be thinking But he/she is a grown-ass man/woman! It’s not my job to remind them! Shouldn’t they just be able to take care of it without my reminding them?
Maybe. But is that working for you? My hunch is that it is not. Self-righteous anger might be understandable given your relational context, but it won’t help you get more of a loving relationship.
When you notice feeling frustrated with your partner, do the following:
Slow down and ask yourself what you are wanting
Remind yourself that you love your partner and they love you
Make an ask like this:
Start with generosity: “I know you love me…”
Acknowledge you might be nuts: “Right or wrong …”
Ask for what you want: “Would you please…”
Then ask how you can support your partner: “What can I do to help…”
Release the outcome
Check out this video of Terry explaining Loving Power.
Here’s to letting go of your need to be right, so that you and your partner can operate more like a team. Practice Loving Power. It will help you get more of what you want.
You can do it!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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