Look For The Opportunity
When my grandfather was nearing the end of his life, I asked him how he dealt with the various challenges of old age - losing my grandmother, not being able to drive, selling his house, moving into assisted living, his body shutting down, loneliness, being dependent on others. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but his reply shook me.
“Even in suffering we can be a blessing to others.”
Huh? How the heck is that possible? This made no sense to me. How could my suffering benefit someone else?
My grandfather went on to explain that even when things are difficult for him, others have the opportunity to show love and grow their own character. This is growth they may not have experienced without his suffering. Practicing this mindset was growing his character too.
(mind-blown)
My perspective on life was too small, too myopic. And my grandfather expanded it. Thinking back on it now, my grandfather’s mentality reminds me of Ryan Holiday’s book The Obstacle Is The Way. The gist is that there is opportunity in every obstacle, but seeing life this way takes practice. The ancient Stoic philosophers stressed that attaching our happiness to things we cannot control ensures our misery.
It’s a common equation…
When I get X then I will be __ (happy, content, loved, secure, enough, etc.)
This is an understandable, but dangerous equation. We are making a promise with ourselves to remain unhappy until we get what we want. It’s a bad bet. I’ve done it numerous times, and I have to keep a constant watch, because it’s a sneaky little bugger. I didn’t realize at first just how many expectations I carried day to day.
I don’t want to be late
I don’t want to misplace my car keys
I don’t want to spill something on my clothes
I don’t want to hit red lights
I don’t want to feel tired
I don’t want to feel stressed
I don’t want to do mindless tasks
I don’t want to be out of snacks
I don’t want to sleep poorly
On and on …
Holy moly. I was making “happiness equations” all over the place. And these were just simple day to day life things. When I avoided them it was a “good day” and when they showed up it was a “bad day.” I realized that I was attaching my happiness to many things that I had very little control over. That was a wake-up call.
Something we can control most of the time is choosing to find the opportunity in the obstacle - or the blessing in the suffering. This helps us keep our frustrated, victim mentality at bay and hold our agency and peace close to us. Holocaust survivor and notable psychiatrist, Victor E. Frankl, said it like this:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
In this life there will be trouble, but the more we fight against that reality, the more harm we will cause to ourselves. Often it is not the things themselves that cause us pain but the opinions we make about them.
So, I invite you to make a practice of looking for the opportunity. When something doesn’t go your way - big or small - pause, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what is my opportunity here? Then act on it. And let go of the rest.
Your “opportunities” might not feel like exciting ones. They might feel like choosing between getting slapped in the face or kicked in the shins. But the key is to identify the opportunity that is meaningful to you.
It might be choosing your attitude, growing persistence, developing a backbone, discovering more patience, altering your perspective, not taking yourself too seriously, focusing on gratitude, learning to ask for help, serving others, stepping out of the lime-light … etc.
No matter the suffering, there is always an opportunity. As you embrace it, you might even end up being a blessing to others.
Here’s to becoming wise old grandpas and grandmas.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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