Parent with PACE
If you have kids or work with kids on a regular basis, you know how it feels to be in the middle of a chaotic moment and think to yourself … Good Lord, this isn’t going very well!
I’ve been there. Many times. Coaching up our kiddos in love is one of the greatest gifts we can give to the world, yet it’s a real challenge. When we feel stuck or like one of our kiddos isn’t doing well, we can turn the criticism inward - I’m a bad mom! I’m a bad dad! I’m a bad coach, teacher, grandparent, etc!
Take a deep breath. You are good just the way you are.
But we all need help from time to time too. So, I want to share a simple relational framework called PACE. This is good for anyone who works with kids. PACE is a relationship-first orientation to parenting that prioritizes Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy.
You might be thinking But what about rules, obedience, boundaries, and chores? These things are important, but your child will be more likely to grow in positive behaviors if they experience a consistent positive relationship with you. This means you’re going to have to let go of the “Do it because I said so” mentality.
Let’s unpack PACE …
Playfulness sets a tone of delight. A child’s brain makes sense of the world through their interactions with others, especially the primary caregiver. Simply put, play is healing. It creates a sense of being in sync, loved, and cherished. There are lots of ways to play, but it is especially important to have some time to play the way the child wants to play. It gives them a healthy sense of power and control. Without it they will find it through negative behaviors.
Acceptance helps a child feel psychologically safe. This is commonly missed in parenting. You don’t have to accept a child’s behavior (eg. smacking their sibling), but be very cautious about dismissing their perspective. This will cause massive power and control battles. Let your child have their perspective, no matter how bonkers it is. Parents who fixate on what is wrong with their child's perspective are likely to see their kids adapt by arguing or hiding their reality. Rather, make a practice of acknowledging their perspective.
Curiosity shows a child that they are worth knowing. Being curious with open-ended questions about all sorts of things will create a mental map in your child that suggests there are deeper things in them to be explored. Self-compassion and Self-reflection are not naturally occurring genetic variations that show up for some people but not for others (eye color, dimples, freckles, rolling your tongue). Self-compassion and Self-reflection are modeled for us or they aren't. Practice curiosity along the whole spectrum of silly to serious.
Empathy models that you are willing to join the child’s experience. This shows them that their thoughts, feelings, and sensations can be soothed through safe relationships. It will teach them that it’s “OK to not be OK” and that they don’t have to turn off the difficult parts of themselves to be loved. In empathy you are trying to consider what it might be like to live your child’s experience, and then respond in a loving way.
The authors of PACE, Kim Golding and Dan Hughes, note that children use their experiences with their primary caregivers to understand adult relationships. They need to be able to have their emotions regulated by a safe person in order to learn how to do it for themselves. It is not the kid’s job to regulate the parents, it is the parent’s job to regulate their kiddos.
You might think PACE is just for adult-child relationships, but you’d be surprised at how this tool can help build trust in all of your relationships!
Which aspect of PACE might be an area of growth for you?
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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