Love as Antidote to Contempt
As Valentine’s Day approaches, my thoughts are on the nature of love and what gets in the way of love.
I believe that one of the main obstacles to love is contempt, contempt for others or for ourselves. Contempt is a perspective that sees something as worthless, disgusting, and deserving of harsh treatment. When we express contempt outwardly toward others, that is called grandiosity. When we display contempt inward towards ourselves, it is called toxic shame. They are both contempt, just pointed in different directions.
The good news is that there is an antidote for contempt, and it is love. For example ...
The antidote to grandiosity is empathy. Contempt outwards puts us in a position of superiority. Whether overtly or covertly, we believe that another person is beneath us, and because they are beneath us, we can treat them however we darn well please. We might make fun of someone behind their back. We might flip someone the bird in rush hour traffic. We might yell or call names. Empathy is the opposite. It is a loving practice of coming down off our high horse, understanding that we are all on equal footing, and trying to consider what things might be like from another person’s perspective. Empathy commits to do no harm, because it sees us as being connected to everyone and everything. Whereas grandiosity tells us that we’re above, separate, entitled, so we excuse the harm we do.
The antidote to toxic shame is self-compassion. Contempt inward puts us in a position of inferiority. Whether overtly or covertly ,we believe that we are beneath everyone else, and because we are so despicable, we deserve harsh treatment. We might condemn ourselves, restrict goodness, self-sabotage or even enact physical harm. Self-compassion is the opposite. It is a loving practice of pulling ourselves out of a pit of despair, understanding that we’re all flawed, and trying to nurture ourselves when we’re hurting. We are tender, flexible, and gracious toward ourselves. Because self-compassion understands that even imperfect people are worthy of love, it also commits to do no harm - even harm to self.
An Empathy Practice: When you feel yourself get worked up into some grandiosity. Pause and take a breath. Then take a moment and imagine yourself becoming the person you’re focused on. Allow yourself to embody their entire story. Imagine their upbringing, their ups, their downs, their hopes, their dreams, their insecurities. Imagine what might be going on in their heart and mind. Then go even deeper. What are the hidden things that they are not saying, maybe have never told anyone. And then, having become this person for a moment, ask yourself if you can relate to any of this? Can you offer this other person some understanding? You need not excuse their bad behavior. You are simply trying to see things from their perspective while not demeaning their personhood.
A Self-Compassion Practice: When you feel yourself spiraling into toxic shame. Pause and take a breath. Place a hand on your chest and feel the warmth of your own body. Notice the various negative thoughts and difficult emotions. Then, I want you to try speaking to these intense thoughts and feelings just like you are speaking to a hurting child. Hold them, reassure them, tell them that things will be OK and that you have their back. It might go like this for me: “Buddy, I’m sorry that you’re so you’re worked up. I know you’re disappointed and you feel like you’re cursed. I get it. I’m here. It’s OK to be upset, but I’ve got you. Let me handle this one, OK?”
This Valentine's, I hope you celebrate the ones you love with flowers, notes, chocolates, and any kind of doting that feels right. I also invite you to be mindful of the ones you don’t love, even if the one you don’t love is you. Commit to doing no harm outwardly or internally. Love is a powerful antidote to contempt. Keep your skills of Empathy and Self-Compassion at the ready, and see how your life changes.
Wishing you much love this week!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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