Know Your Limits
Today, I invite you to consider if you know your limits.
From my vantage point, it doesn’t seem like mainstream Western culture is fond of talking about limits. There is much talk about surpassing our limits, crushing our goals, and always pushing the envelope to achieve some greater measure of success.
And yet loneliness is rampant, many feel stuck in a meaningless rat race, people are overscheduled, and to deal with our discontent, we have distractions aplenty. Often leaving us feeling … blah.
A significant factor in our collective discontent is not understanding our limits.
A limit is a self-imposed dead-stop contract with ourselves.
And this contract empowers us to say “No” to things that might stretch us beyond our limits in an irresponsible way.
Limits (or boundaries) arise from a place of sober-minded humility. When we accept that we don’t have endless energy, endless capacity, or endless time, we are essentially admitting that we are not God.
We cannot control everything that we’d like. Yes, we have some power to affect change, but not all power. We have limited agency in this life. That means we must get crystal clear about what is most important to us and then protect those things with the capacity that we do have.
Sometimes, we carry difficult burdens that we didn’t ask for. Life isn’t fair. We might bear a burden of grief, loss, disappointment, hurt, betrayal, or care for another in their sickness. These things can stretch us beyond our capacity to cope well. But I’m not talking about these things.
I’m talking about when we take on unnecessary burdens. When we over-commit ourselves or our family's schedule when we don’t have to, that is 100% on us. It creates unnecessary stress. And that is a result of not accepting our limits.
There is a famous quote in J.R.R Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring where Bilbo Baggins says:
"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."
In the story, Bilbo has been carrying the Ring of Power for many years. And it started to wear on him. While giving him some advantages, it also sucked the very life out of him. At first, being a caretaker of this ring was sort of an honor and duty, but he eventually became too dependent on the ring, wanting it, needing it, and even raging at the prospect of letting it go. He no longer needed to carry the ring as his Nephew Frodo was willing and capable of taking over. Ultimately, Bilbo does transfer care of the ring to Frodo. And Bilbo is praised in the story not primarily for taking up a difficult burden but for being able to release it, as the ring had a great allure of power.
If you feel like Bilbo, thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread, I invite you to consider if there are unnecessary burdens that you are carrying willfully.
You only have so much of you. Protect what matters most, and get comfortable saying No to things that stretch you past your capacity to live well. Living within our limits is not a bummer. It enables us to live a life of peace. You will crumble if you keep trying to be all things to all people.
So, take a moment to think about where you feel stretched too thin in life. What factors are contributing to this? What can you release, even if it feels challenging?
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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