Are You In Your Wise Mind?
Today, I want to share a simple list to help you grow in awareness of two distinct states of being. The list is basically your litmus test for discerning if you are “triggered” or mostly centered. When we get “triggered,” we go to Fight/Flight/Fix. Our survival brain tends to utilize tactics we learned early on to cope with stress. That’s why some call this state the Adaptive Child state.
When we were little, we needed to cope, so we did the best we could. Unfortunately, those methods of coping don’t work out great in our adult relationships. If we want more peace and love in our relationships, we must learn how to grow our capacity to access our Adult Mind (or Wise Mind). This happens in the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) part of our brain. It can think, feel, and hold multiple perspectives without erupting, shutting down, or feeling like we have to fix everything.
Without further ado, and thanks to Terry Real and his team at the Real Life Institute, here is a list worth pondering:
Which of the traits above resonate with you?
If you notice yourself relating to some of the Adaptive Child Traits, don’t beat yourself up. There were likely times in your life when these adaptations helped in a way. These traits are not to be demonized but rather honored, understood, and lovingly coached - essentially, what we needed in childhood, we can give to ourselves now with patience, kindness, and boundaries.
Here’s something to consider: How much time do you spend in Adaptive Child Traits vs Wise Adult traits?
Get curious about when, where, and how you resort to Adaptive Child Traits. Again, don’t go to war with these tendencies, rather, allow them to be a signal to you that you need to do the following: Stop, Breathe, Think.
When you feel like fighting, fleeing, or fixing, that is a telltale sign that something in you has been poked, and you’re not accessing your Wise Adult Mind very well. If you don’t stop, take a breath, and think for a moment, you are certain to respond in familiar, immature patterns.
Think of it this way. Do you want a child dealing with your relationships and circumstances or an adult?
When you Stop, Breathe, and Think, you are taking a moment to check in with yourself, respect the intensity that you’re feeling, and then, with love and firmness, invite your childlike traits to chill out.
After that, you’ll be in a better spot to handle yourself in a way that you’ll feel good about.
I encourage you to return to this list often. Maybe even print it out and put it somewhere you can review frequently. The more you grow in awareness of your Adaptive Child traits, the quicker you’ll be able to respond to them in a skilled way.
Here’s to living more from our Wise Adult Minds.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
Want to receive Transformation Tips directly to your email?
Subscribe below!
