Exploring Family Roles
Today, I invite you to reflect on the role you played in your family growing up. There are various in-depth ways to explore this topic, but I want to give you a shorthand version - something to get you thinking.
But, first, it’s natural to ask Why should I do this? Can’t I leave the past in the past? And the short answer is No. You might tell yourself that your past is in the past, but the hard reality is that our past often shows up in our present in ways we don’t always recognize. If we can’t get some clarity about our past, then it will be difficult to see how it ties to our present behavior for better or worse. Here is a quote that I think is worth pondering:
"If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it." - Richard Rohr
One way to work on transforming your pain is by clarifying your family role. In general, there are three main dysfunctional family roles: The Hero Child, The Scapegoat, and The Lost Child.
Of course, it’s possible that you hit the familial jackpot and had parents who were consistently attuned to you, gave you good guidance, and set reasonable limits, in which case you might fall into the Securely Attached/Well Adjusted category. However, for many of us, even if we had loving, well-meaning parents, we still ended up in a dysfunctional family role. Let’s explore each one.
The Hero Child: People in this role tend to be elevated by their families for one reason or another. They are athletic, capable, spiritual, responsible, accomplished, the “good one that you don’t have to worry about.” The Hero Child often lands in what is called the God/Slave predicament. The child seems to have way more power than they should in the family system, yet is also bound by it, often at the expense of their own authenticity. If they risked speaking up for themselves, it might destabilize the status quo, so they often choose to just blend in and play along with what is expected. The hero child may also become parentified, taking care of things the adults should be responsible for, sometimes even at a very young age. The hero child often, but not always, receives praise for their role, which complicates things. Because, on the one hand, they want the praise; on the other hand, they’d prefer a different dynamic.
The Scapegoat: People in this category often get blamed for the problems in the family. Or at least they get a lot of negative attention as the rest of the family is in denial about larger systemic issues. A person might play the scapegoat if they try bucking the family system, act out, or call BS on what feels like blatant hypocrisy. The Scapegoat could also be a child who is developmentally challenged or sick - where the parents put their effort into fixing or serving this child rather than working to balance holistic health in the system. A Scapegoat child may also just be in the wrong place at the wrong time so to speak. A parent may discharge their own problems onto the child simply because it’s easier - overtly or covertly communicating that the child is not good enough because of XYZ. Whereas the Hero Child sacrifices their own authenticity to blend in, Scapegoat children tend to find their voice by fighting for it, but then lose out on a sense of belonging.
The Lost Child: The Lost Child generally gets lost in the shuffle. They don’t typically make a fuss, and they tend to stay out of the limelight, although not always by choice. Perhaps parents were focused on other kids or other circumstances, and these kiddos just flew under the radar. They learned to keep to themselves and handle things on their own. It could be that having seen how things went poorly for others in the family, they determined to avoid drama as much as possible. The Lost Child can have subtypes of either the Hero Child or the Scapegoat. The Lost Child who generally took on responsibility, is a Hero subtype. And The Lost Child, who learned that nobody cared, so why not live it up, including vices of various kinds, might be a Scapegoat subtype.
Here are some reflection questions to consider.
Which family role most resonates with you and why?
Are you playing out any old family roles in your life today?
If you could change one thing about how you show up in relationships, what would it be?
Here’s to growing in greater awareness of our defaults.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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