Navigating the F-its
What do you do when you get a case of the “F-its”? You know the F-its … when some part of you feels like throwing in the towel and acting like a victim while rehearsing all kinds of negative stories about how the Universe is somehow against you. Those F-its.
I get these myself from time to time. They are usually preceded by me getting triggered (or allowing myself to be triggered) by a predictable circumstance - finances, misplacing my keys, generally feeling ashamed of myself one way or another, etc. I don’t know about you, but something about it feels right when I’m in that funky headspace. It is tempting to remain in that negative mindset and just stew because I freaking deserve to be pissed, says some part of me.
However, the F-its, while enticing, don’t usually help us make progress on what matters. So, we must learn to ride them out when they show up to get back on track.
Here are a few things I’ve learned that help me navigate the F-its.
Get curious about your anger. The F-its may not feel like anger at first glance, but I bet it’s in there. Anger is an emotion that zeros in on justice. So, when you’re feeling the F-its, ask yourself, “What feels unfair in my life right now? What am I angry about?” You might be surprised what your anger is trying to protect.
Accept the grief. Anger typically shows up to help me feel powerful when I feel powerless. The anger is easier to allow than powerlessness because feeling powerless suuuuuuucks. However, powerlessness is an essential human reality. We all must face the fact that we can’t control everything. This is a sobering reality, and it may come with some grief. Allow yourself to grieve - acknowledge what hurts and what feels like a loss.
You need to let go. You likely have the F-its because there is something you want but you aren’t getting it. Maybe you want a serious relationship, more money, a better job, your parents not to act weird, your neighbors to clean up their freaking yard … whatever. To get out of the F-its, you must let go of the thing you have a death grip on.
Focus on the next task. To regain your sanity, you must operate in the realm of what you can control. Your mind will take you to all the things you can’t control and will want to air out complaints and protests. Those are the F-its. Rather, consider a practical next task and do it. This next task will not solve all of your problems, but it will reestablish your sense of agency. This is key. You must get moving again. Fold laundry, take a shower, call a friend, do your budget, go to work, mow the yard … pick yourself up and keep going.
If you work through these steps, the F-its will subside more quickly. Don’t beat yourself up for getting lost in the F-its occasionally. If you are working toward something that matters to you, you will inevitably encounter discouragement. This is just life. It is not the Universe out to crush your dreams. When we get lost in the F-its, we make excuses and avoid facing complex realities. I have no judgment for this whatsoever. Life is hard sometimes. But I do know that avoiding reality won’t get us very far.
So, keep an eye out for the F-its. Learn to notice them, ride them out, and get back to things you can control. I’ll be working on the same.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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