Right-Size Your Shame
The other day, I was helping my kids get ready for school, and my daughter couldn’t find her water bottle, so I offered to track it down. I checked all the usual places, including our van, which our kids treat as their own personal storage unit. No luck. When I asked my wife if she knew where the water bottle might be, she suggested that I go check the van. Rather than argue with her, I knew I had a tendency to overlook things, so I agreed to double-check the van. Nope, definitely not there.
I apologized and told my daughter that I couldn’t find her water bottle and set about tending to other things. My wife said she’d look around for a bit. In just a few moments, she was back in the kitchen with a water bottle in hand. “Oh, great. Where did you find it?” I asked.
She replied, “In the van.”
All of a sudden — Wham-O -– I felt like I got hit with a shame-infused 2x4 to the back of the head. Of course, my wife was generous and didn’t make a big deal about it, but I wasn’t OK internally. The negative scripts erupted with a fury:
I’m such an incompetent idiot…
Can’t even find a Fucking water bottle…
This is what all of my life is like…
No wonder I can’t make progress in the areas I want…
Just like that, I was in a shame spiral. Thankfully, I have been doing some of my own work on shame, and knew that a key skill is learning how to right-size your shame. Right-sizing your shame means that you try to put the facts into context.
If you accidentally run over your kid's plastic baseball bat with your car, that should probably register at about a 1 out of 10. Pretty low stakes. However, if you accidentally run over your kid’s foot with your car, that could understandably land higher, maybe a 7 or 8 out of 10. The stakes are higher.
The problem for some of us is that we tend to overreact to small things and feel a disproportionate amount of shame. This has been my experience too. But if we are not able to right-size our shame and come back to our senses, shame spirals will rob us of a lot of joy in this life.
Here’s how you right-size your shame.
First, you’re going to feel shame. So, when it happens, accept it. Pause and take a deep breath.
Second, ask yourself, “In the grand scheme of things, where does this land on a scale of 1-10?”
Third, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that the negative stories you hear internally are just one possible interpretation of reality — and quite an extreme one at that. Ask yourself, “Are there any other possible stories that don’t involve me being a Poor Miserable Wretch?” Hold on to the more loving, flexible stories.
Fourth, keep moving. Shame often leads to stagnation. Don’t let it. Consider the next productive thing you need to do and do it.
If you follow these steps, your shame spiral will dissipate more quickly, and you won’t waste precious time in a funky headspace. For me, I was able to shift my mental headlines from:
THE GREAT WATER BOTTLE FIASCO OF 2024!
To…
FATHER’S WHIMSICAL CHARM STRIKES AGAIN!
Not finding the water bottle was annoying, but it was really really low stakes. My shame needed some right-sizing. Feeling some level of shame is healthy and normal. It means you’re a good person and have a heart beating in your chest. But when we over-identify with shame, it can become toxic, and toxic shame isn’t good for anybody.
So, the next time you experience a shame spiral, take a moment to right-size it.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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