What Are Boundaries?
If you’ve been around therapy or the self-help space, you’ve probably heard people talk about boundaries. But I think people sometimes misunderstand boundaries, so I wanted to discuss them here.
Essentially, boundaries differentiate one thing from another. When it comes to personal relationships, boundaries are self-imposed limits and guidelines that help a person discern what is and isn’t healthy for themselves. Here is the kicker ….
YOU are responsible for your own boundaries. You cannot control other people or force them to live according to your boundaries. They have their own boundaries too. Now, in loving relationships, we can influence and negotiate with one another, but we cannot control.
Personal boundaries help a person define 1) what is important to them, 2) what their responsibility is, and 3) what actions they will and won’t take.
Generally, things that you are responsible for include:
Your Feelings
Your Thoughts
Your Behavior
Your Values
Your Desires
Your Needs
Your Body
While boundaries are vitally important, they must also be seen in a relational context. In this short video, Dr. Henry Cloud makes a helpful distinction when he says, “Boundaries are not walls.” Boundaries allow for discernment and flexibility. If we want to let someone have access to our hearts, minds, or bodies, we are free to discern if, when, and how we do that, but there is more to consider.
The main mistake that people make in learning to hold better boundaries is that they forget to think about their relational ecosystem.
If you are trying to cultivate a thriving marriage or partnership, it is not enough for you to wall yourself off and declare your boundaries. You must be willing to consider your partner’s boundaries, too. This is important to note because while boundaries distinguish one thing from another, such as we see all over the natural world, all things also co-inhabit an ecosystem that is interdependent. In thriving ecosystems, there is give and take and mutuality.
By all means, get clear about your boundaries and say “NO” when you need to. But don’t forget your relational context. Allow yourself to consider other people’s boundaries as well. Learn to be a good teammate.
Healthy boundaries should empower you to roll up your sleeves and practice loving negotiation.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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