The 5 Areas of Intimacy
Do you long for more intimacy in your primary romantic relationship? Most often, when we talk about intimacy these days, we mean sex, which is truly a part of intimacy but only one piece of the puzzle. There are five key areas to intimacy: Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, and Sexual. If you want a vibrant relationship, you must learn to tend to each category. Additionally, there are two primary skills that we must apply to each area of intimacy: Initiation and Receptivity. We must learn how to do both - 1) inviting our partner into intimacy by leading the way and risking some vulnerability and 2) being open and receptive to our partner when they initiate some type of intimacy with us. Loving relationships are about giving and receiving, but this isn’t as natural for many of us as it would seem. It can take practice and teamwork with your partner to calibrate an intimate relationship.
Let’s review each type of intimacy.
Intellectual- This involves the mutual sharing of ideas and interests in a respectful way. The spectrum is anywhere from silly to serious. Intellectual intimacy could include hobbies, passion projects, hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, books you’re reading, shows you’re watching, thoughts on the political landscape, work life, reliving fond memories, etc. Having an intellectual life is important because it makes you an interesting person to be around.
Self-assessment: On a scale of 1-5 (5 very good), rate yourself on the following questions.
1) How well do you share intellectual intimacy with your partner?
2) How well do you receive your partner’s intellectual self when they share it with you?
Emotional- This is about being able to notice, name, and share your feelings in a respectful way. This is one that most people misunderstand. It is very common for partner A to vent (or vomit) their thoughts onto partner B, and when partner B doesn’t gush with empathy, partner A responds, “Well, this is just how I feel.” Respectful sharing is different than dumping your perceptions. To grow here, people must learn to put language to their emotions. Some primary emotions include Love, Joy, Peace, Happiness, Sadness, Hurt, Anger, Fear, Disgust, Surprise, Guilt, and Shame. A high emotional IQ is important because it allows your partner to access the deeper parts of your heart.
Self-assessment: On a scale of 1-5 (5 very good), rate yourself on the following questions.
1) How well do you share emotional intimacy with your partner?
2) How well do you receive your partner’s emotions when they share with you?
Spiritual - This category is about connecting with meaningful experiences beyond yourself. It could include traditional religious practices but also anything where you feel connected to the larger reality of the universe. It might be playing with your kids, meditation, gardening, serving others, wandering in nature, reconnecting with a friend, singing songs, watching an inspirational film, praying, journaling, etc. Discussing and sharing these experiences with your partner is empowering because it reminds you that there is more to life than you.
Self-assessment: On a scale of 1-5 (5 very good), rate yourself on the following questions.
1) How well do you share spiritual intimacy with your partner?
2) How well do you receive your partner’s spirituality when they share with you?
Physical - Here, we are talking about non-sexual touch and quality time spent together. It is about caring for and nurturing one another. Do you know how your partner wants to be cared for, nurtured, and touched in loving ways? Do you know what activities your partner enjoys? Do you know what you enjoy? Sharing physical or “nurturing” intimacy is vital because it is like watering your garden. Without nurturing, your relationship will shrivel up and become dry.
Self-assessment: On a scale of 1-5 (5 very good), rate yourself on the following questions.
1) How well do you share physical/nurturing intimacy with your partner?
2) How well do you receive your partner’s physical/nurturing intimacy when they share with you?
Sexual - This is about honoring the mutual interest in sex in your committed relationship. You are able to be aware of your sexual desires and can communicate them in a loving way without becoming demanding, put out or walled off if your partner is not ready to meet you in a specific desire. Health requires openness, tenderness, honesty, and an ability to be curious about each other’s sexual interests without taking things personally if desires do not perfectly align. My perspective is that healthy sexual intimacy is a natural outworking of all other areas of intimacy. We can be sexual frequently without really being intimate. True sexual intimacy requires emotional safety and relational attunement. Working on the other four areas of intimacy will improve your sex life.
Self-assessment: On a scale of 1-5 (5 very good), rate yourself on the following questions.
1) How well do you share sexual intimacy with your partner?
2) How well do you receive your partner’s sexuality when they share with you?
Remember, love comes down to the practical skills of giving and receiving - Initiation and Receptivity. Let the self-assessment be an indicator of the things you need to work on in order to improve intimacy in your primary relationship.
Here’s to improving our intimate relationships!
(PS. This intimacy framework comes from Terry Real’s book The New Rules of Marriage.)
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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