Understanding Unwanted Sexual Behavior
Many of the clients I work with are trying to overcome unwanted sexual behaviors in their life. These behaviors range from mildly problematic to highly addictive and destructive. Regardless of the particulars, it is common for my clients to ask why is this happening to me?
Understanding how someone gets to the point of repeating behaviors that are outside of their values (despite the consequences) can be very helpful in reducing shame and forming a practical treatment plan for moving forward.
Jay Stringer is a pastor, therapist and researcher who wrote a book called Unwanted. His research shows that people who report having unwanted sexual behaviors tend to have 6 common life experiences that, when combined, reinforce one another and set the stage for unwanted behaviors to appear. Those 6 factors are: deprivation, dissociation, unconscious arousal, futility, lust, and anger.
I’ll briefly unpack each one.
Deprivation: This is about denying yourself good things. When a person is not aware of or does not know how to meet their holistic needs, they end up requiring other people or things to fill those needs without really being aware of it. The catch is that the more a person engages in behaviors outside their values, they tend to deprive themselves of good things all the more as a sort of self-punishment or self-loathing.
Dissociation: This is a protective psychological mechanism that helps us disengage from being fully present in our bodies during states of extreme overwhelm. However, it can also become a habit that distracts us from dealing with uncomfortable realities, keeping us stuck. We are in an age where dissociation is now a part of “normal” life: smartphones, tvs, tablets, video games, smartwatches, streaming services, etc.
Unconscious Arousal: Almost everyone has some form of sexual desire and/or fantasy. This is not bad or wrong. Often the themes of our fantasies point to deep longings that are legitimate and can be cared for within our values. Even though we live in a hypersexualized world, rarely do we take the time to become aware of these longings, so they lie dormant, hidden, and unconscious. People may go to something like porn or other behaviors to fulfill unconscious themes like: creativity, freedom, acceptance, belonging, adventure, delight, power, tenderness, etc.
Futility: For men in particular, the more a man lacks a sense of purpose, the more likely he is to watch pornography. Stringer’s research notes that men are 7 times more likely to watch porn when they report a sense of meaninglessness in their lives. That futility could be tied to career, family, or even our favorite sports teams. Learning how to cultivate a meaningful life is paramount to recovery. Simply white knuckling your way through temptation might work in the short term, but it won’t produce lasting change.
Lust & Anger: Stringer reports that lust and anger go together. He writes: “Want to find out why you’re so compelled to pursue unwanted sexual behavior? Figure out what’s made you so angry.” We can lust after anything: food, sex, money, fancy cars, etc., but when we don’t get what we’re expecting we can become angry. While this is somewhat biological, as small children will tantrum when they don’t get their way, we are meant to mature beyond it. Stringer shows that the most common fantasy reported by men was power over women. This suggests repressed anger and need for power and control, which is almost certainly tied to experiences with our family of origin.
These 6 factors are not all that need to be addressed if you or someone you know is dealing with unwanted sexual behavior, but these themes are a good place to start exploring.
Even if you don’t experience unwanted behaviors in your life, you might consider slowing down and reflecting on your own desires and fantasies. You might be surprised to see what good and true longings lie under the surface.
Here’s to diving deep into our stories.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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