What Are Your Forms?
Today I want to talk about everybody’s favorite thing … forms!
Ok, I’m not talking about mindless paperwork. Whew! That would be depressing. I mean, it’s a Monday for crying out loud.
The forms I’m talking about involve self-discipline. You might call them “habits.”
A reality that I appreciate more every year is the idea that we are always being formed. Every second of our life is molding us into a particular type of person - for better or worse. There is no down-time. It’s on-going. Much of this happens without us even being aware of it and that is part of the problem. We need to grow in awareness of what is forming us, and take back responsibility to form our lives how we want them to look.
Nobody achieves mastery without submitting to a form of some kind. A form is simply a practice. In martial arts, students practice katas (literally means “forms”). In music, students practice scales (forms). In sports, students run drills (forms). If you apprentice in a trade or business, you follow the lead of your mentor (form). In recovery, you work 12-steps (form). In religious settings, you follow various rituals or liturgy (form).
But it also goes like this … when you wake up too late (form), don’t brush your teeth (form), forget to eat breakfast (form), rage at people on the road to work (form), are harsh to yourself for your crappy start to the day (form), grumble about how work is such a miserable experience (form), come home with a bad attitude (form), flop on the couch and zone out with TV (form), get annoyed when your spouse asks you to help with dinner (form), go to bed feeling disconnected and depressed (form).
In my own life, what I’ve had to accept is that when I see repeated negative behaviors it means I have a system (form) that is producing those results. If I want to see something different, I need new practices or habits.
It’s a lie that there are some people who are good at habits and some who are bad at habits. Every human being is excellent at habits - even if those habits are, unfortunately, producing mindlessness and misery. The trick is to create forms that work for you; that build your ideal life on autopilot so that you don’t have to stress over it.
Many things we stress over in life are not habituated. I used to stress about when I would go to the gym. Now it exists in a form - Monday-Friday 5:30 am. And guess what? I don’t stress about when I’m going to the gym anymore. I also used to stress (a little, not too bad) about when I’d write these very emails that you get every Monday. Then I decided that I’d write for 30 mins at the start of every work day when possible. Guess how much I stress about getting my writing done now? Nada.
Of course, you can’t plan for everything in life, but not having a plan at all is a bad bet. Your defaults will win out.
Another lie about habits is that they are a hard, miserable burden and that the ideal life is one filled with “freedom” to be spontaneous. The truth is that habits are practices that help us gain mastery over our own lives - that is freedom.
There is no one-size-fits-all. You’ll need to do some self-reflection and consider what things in life are most important to you. From there, start building little practices that help you become the kind of person you want to be. If you want to be a runner, start running, even if just around the block once a day. If you want to be a more thoughtful person, set reminders to text your spouse a loving note daily, etc.
Here’s to debunking the belief that you’re “not good at habits.” If you have breath in your lungs, you’re good at habits. The question is, will you take the time to be intentional about what habits help you be the best version of yourself?
If you’re reading this, then I believe you will. You can do it! :)
What is one small practice you can adopt this week that will prioritize forming you into the person you want to be?
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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