You Must Coach Your Partner
If you want a happier, more productive relationship with your spouse or partner, you must learn how to coach them in loving you the way you want to be loved. Not from a place of irritation, pouting, disappointment, or superiority but from a place of humility. This is true teamwork in practice. When men and women can get over their various objections to this skill, they tend to get more of what they want from their spouse or partner (this might even apply to friends and co-workers too).
We are going to look at 1) How we typically might coach our partners and 2) How to do it better. Let’s dive in!
Our default ways of “coaching” our partners:
Unspoken expectations: A very common way of relating to our partners is having unspoken expectations and then allowing our feelings to get hurt when those expectations are not met. We might say to ourselves something like If they really loved me, they would just know what I want! Sure, in a perfect world, perhaps your partner would be able to read your mind and meet every need. But we don’t live in a perfect world. If you want something specific, you have to speak up. Expert couples therapist Terry Real says, “You have no right to expect something you haven’t asked for.” And I agree. You’re welcome to hold on to your resentment and keep waiting around for your partner to read your mind, but you’re setting yourself up for more disappointment.
Escalating Criticism: For some of us, when we don’t get what we want, we let our spouse or partner know it on the back end, but if we’re honest, it’s more venting than helpful coaching. People who criticize often will start specific, go to a trend, and then eventually escalate to attacking their partner’s character. It might go like this: You forgot to take out the trash again (specific). I can’t believe this. You ALWAYS forget it, and for the last 15 years, you NEVER have prioritized anyone but yourself (trend). You are selfish, and I am living with a child (character). Yikes. Who could hear that and want to be warm toward you? Even the Dali Lama might tell you to go take a hike. It’s important to be specific, yes, but also soft. And keep in mind your partner can’t do anything about the past. Is bringing it up going to help you get more of what you want in the present? Nope. Here’s another great quote from Terry Real: “You can express yourself or work on your relationship, but you can’t do both at the same time.”
Going cold: Others of us (myself included) have earned a black belt in putting out a distinctive vibe. We don’t yell, criticize, or slam doors; we communicate with our bodies. And boy, oh boy, do our partners feel it. We may go quiet, avoid eye contact, and withhold warmth, all while going about our tasks dutifully, which sends the message to our partners: I am the mature one, and you are a friggin’ idiot. We come off as superior, and our partners are often left feeling abandoned and like we think they are stupid. Turning off your warmth is unlikely to encourage more warmth from your spouse or partner. It is self-protective, and there is probably a good reason for that, but your partner will likely also self-protect in response to your bad vibes. We need to learn to keep our warmth on and not close ourselves off.
How to do it better:
Tip 1) Take a timeout. First and foremost, you must be calm in order to coach your partner in a loving way. If you are pissed and unable to speak to them in a helpful way, give yourself a timeout. This is what Terry Real calls responsible distance taking. But here’s how you do it: A) Use “I” language and own your need for a break. Say something like, “I’m not in a great headspace, and I need to take a break for a few minutes.” Avoid “You” language like “You’re ridiculous! You’re hopeless when you’re being an asshole. I’m out.” Stay on your side of the street. B) Give a timeframe for when you will return. Start small with something like 10-20 minutes. And then COME BACK. You don’t have to resolve the conflict when you come back but check on your partner and try to reestablish some kind of connection. If you or they are still in a bad headspace, take a timeout again, but with more time, this time 30 minutes to an hour. Repeat this process until you and/or your partner are level enough to reconnect.
Tip 2) “As a favor to me.” One of the most common ways interactions between partners get stuck is by arguing over the “truth” or whose perspective is more accurate. Terry Real is famous for saying, “The answer to the question ‘Who is right and who is wrong?’ in an intimate relationship is: ‘Who cares?’” This is because it is possible to be factually right but relationally wrong.
Don’t skip over this. It is huge. It is possible to be factually RIGHT but relationally WRONG.
Therefore, we need a way to engage our partner that speaks from the heart rather than the head. A good way to do that is using the phrase “As a favor to me.” For example, rather than shutting down, pouting, controlling, or reading your partner the riot act when they do something you don’t like, first - take a deep breath and ask yourself what it is that you do actually want and then ask for it, such as … “Honey, I know you love me. Right or wrong, when you yell at people on the road when we’re driving somewhere, I feel terrified. As a favor to me, would you work on calming down when you’re driving? It would mean the world to me.”
This way of asking for what we do want vs complaining about what we don’t want has a better chance of landing with our partner in a way that they can receive it.
You might think to yourself, I shouldn’t have to ask for what I want all the time! I don’t want to parent my spouse/partner. They are adults; they need to take responsibility. Maybe you’re right. And this way of doing things might possibly feel unfair. But if I may be lovingly blunt … tough crap. You are responsible for yourself. Sure, you can get defensive, shut down, be angry, control, act superior, withhold, pout, or whatever you do … but that isn’t likely going to yield positive results.
That’s because complaining has no vulnerability in it. Asking for what you want in a loving way does have vulnerability in it, but if it goes poorly, you will feel hurt. That’s just how it goes. To get more of the good stuff, you must risk some vulnerability. That includes learning how to coach your partner to love you the way you want to be loved. You can do it!
(Also, if you can’t tell, I’m deep into content from Terry Real. Right now, I’m involved in a certification process with Terry Real’s therapist training institute. To learn more about Terry, go to www.terryreal.com.)
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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