Befriend Your Anger
Anger is often portrayed as a bad part of us that needs to be squashed. But our anger is not the problem; what we do with our anger is the problem. And what we typically do is one of two things: 1) we let loose in some display of unbridled self-expression, go into a rage, and leave a wake of pain and chaos behind us, or 2) we stuff our anger, and it then comes out sideways as resentment, coldness, passive-aggressiveness, manipulation, or the need to control.
We need to learn to: 1) Notice our anger, 2) Name it as anger, and 3) Negotiate our anger according to our values.
Dr. Gabor Maté is an expert in trauma, addiction, and the mind-body connection. He has appeared on many podcasts and has written books such as When the Body Says No and The Myth of Normal, highlighting the costs to people and society when our minds and bodies are poorly integrated. When we ignore our feelings, particularly anger, we can get sick mentally and physically. For some, connecting with and expressing their anger is a key part of their healing.
Check out this little clip of Dr. Maté on the Tim Ferris podcast.
Notice how he suggests that anger is an appropriate response when we feel our boundaries are being crossed—anger advocates for our personal and relational well-being. Healthy anger is about the moment. It shows up, helps us set a boundary, and then dissipates. Unhealthy anger is really about the past, and the more we move into rage or suppression, the more it grows and stays longer.
So, we need a different way of dealing with our anger. Dr. Maté suggests we must learn to be with it, feel it in our bodies, and experience it. This is essentially mindfulness practice. He goes on to mention meditation teacher Dr. Tara Brach and her RAIN practice, which was one tool that can help us Notice, Name, and Negotiate our feelings in a helpful way. RAIN stands for:
Recognize
Allow
Investigate
Nurture
So, when you’re feeling angry, don’t let it rage or stuff it down. Practice RAIN. Recognize the thoughts, feelings, and sensations of it in your body. Remind yourself that it’s OK for these things to be with you. Get curious about this part of you and ask what happened and why it is getting your attention this way. Finally, be kind to it. Speak generously to yourself and care for the anger however seems best.
Anger isn’t your enemy. It is a friend. It is there to protect your boundaries. It knows when you’re not getting a fair shake. It knows when something unjust is happening. It knows how to help you feel powerful when you feel powerless. Let your anger advise you. But don’t let it be in charge or lock it in the basement.
Here’s to befriending your anger.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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