Why you can’t make a difficult decision
Are you having trouble making a difficult decision? Do you feel that no matter what option you choose, it involves a loss of some kind?
I’ve read that the root of the word decide is “to cut.” Making a choice means we’re severing ourselves apart from something else. When we feel stuck with indecision, it is because we are avoiding the reality that when we make a consequential decision, it always involves loss. Being someone who is “good at making decisions” means we’ve learned to accept the grief. When you say yes to one thing, you are saying no to another. And you will feel the loss of the other thing, even if the thing you are choosing is good.
Taking a new job vs. staying at your current one
Moving to a new city vs. staying at home
Choosing to get engaged vs. going back to dating
Putting money into a startup vs. keeping it in savings
Setting boundaries with family members vs. living the status quo
None of these options is necessarily better or worse than the other. But each option has pros and cons. If you move toward one, you will feel consequences related to the other. If you move to a new city but feel rooted in relationships in your hometown, it is guaranteed that your relationships will change. You may not lose them, but things will be different, and your normal connections will be less frequent. If trying out a new city is worth it to you, then you will need to accept that you will feel the loss of comfort you have in your current situation. That’s just life.
But this begs the question, “How do you grieve well?” Here are a few tips:
Allow your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings: To grieve well, we don’t fight, shame, or hide from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. We understand that they may change in an instant, like the weather. When we notice painful thoughts and feelings, we slow down, breathe through them, and lovingly acknowledge to ourselves that this is a moment of suffering. It just hurts.
Let go of timelines: To grieve well, we must let go of setting unrealistic expectations for when we should be “over” something. There are no timelines. The more expectations you put on yourself to be done grieving by a certain time will only prolong your suffering. Grief takes its own course. And it’s not binary - on or off. You can grieve and live your life at the same time. You can grieve and laugh. You can grieve and be social. You can grieve and go on vacation. You can grieve and plan for the future. Over time, the frequency and severity of the pain will lessen.
Connect with others: To grieve well, it is important that we stay connected to community. This could be family, friends, community groups, recovery groups, therapy groups, or faith groups. Isolation leads to soul death. Connection is healing. It is tempting to wall ourselves off, tell ourselves that we’re too much of a burden, that others wouldn’t want to be around us in this condition. Nonsense. You’d likely not say that to one of your friends who was hurting, so don’t do them the disservice of making false assumptions. Choose to be near others, be open with them, and let them love you through a difficult decision.
Honor what you’ve lost: To grieve well, I think it is helpful to honor what we have lost. This is why we have funerals and life celebrations after someone passes. We remember, tell stories, and honor what and/or who we have lost. Sometimes, what we’re grieving is the potential of something. That relationship could have been so good if … That job would have been amazing if … I could have had so many adventures if … etc. I suggest doing something concrete to honor what you’re saying no to. Use your creativity to acknowledge the good in the thing you’re saying no to, what it could have been, and why you’re making the choice that you are. You could make a piece of art, write a letter or a poem, or gather some close friends and have a ceremony marking the end of one thing and the beginning of another.
There is no perfect formula for making hard decisions, but these concepts should help you get out of your rut.
And remember, if you’re feeling paralyzed with indecision, it’s likely that you’re avoiding grief in some way. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We’ve all been there. Feeling grief sucks. But it’s also the only way to get moving again. The pain must move through us.
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom Page, LCPC
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