Use Your Values to Get Unstuck
Life is destined to provide us with a multitude of lose/lose scenarios. In Recovery work we call this a “double-bind.” It’s the feeling that you’re screwed no matter what you do. And in response, we tend to avoid, freeze up, or throw a fit because we feel stuck and don’t have a clear way out. The good news is that there is a way out. The way out of a double-bind is knowing your values.
Here’s the process to working through a double-bind scenario:
Accept that this is your reality (take a deep breath)
Reflect on your personal values (what is most important to you)
Choose an action you can control that is most in line with your values
Release the outcome and keep moving
Example: Let’s say a fictional client named Phil is wanting to bring up a conversation with his wife about the finances, but he fears they will get into an argument. His double-bind is:
a) Have the conversation and risk a blow-up (ie. suffering)
b) Don’t have the conversation and keep being stressed about finances (ie. suffering)
Your values help you choose which kind of suffering you are willing to endure. Phil knows that he wants his marriage to feel like a loving team. That’s his main value. So he considers a loving and clear way to speak up for himself. Here is Phils’ pitch:
“Honey, I know I’ve been a bit of a pest about finances in the past. And I really appreciate all the hard work you do. I’m feeling a little anxious because I’m unclear about some things in the budget. Could we discuss it together sometime soon?”
That’s pretty good. Phil has helped himself get unstuck by accepting his reality, reflecting on his values, choosing a savvy action, and releasing the outcome. His wife’s response is not up to him. He can’t control that. But he can own his values and take loving action.
This is your way forward too. So the next time you feel stuck in a double-bind, remember your values and then take loving action. You’ve got this!
Happy to be in your corner,
Tom
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